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May. 7th, 2008

coloful

This summer...

Ever since last Thursday, I've felt bothered but something that I can't name, and it's spilled over into everything I do. I felt (and still kind of feel) like something wasn't right or was off, but for the life of me can't figure it out. I apologize if I've been crabby or too negative lately because of this...I'm the most pessimistic I get right now. I know I've wanted to snap at people for suggesting things when I'm complaining or worrying out loud, and I'm sorry...I think I was/am trying to figure out why I feel off.

I still feel unsettled about this summer, and I've been thinking about what I can do with people. I know I shouldn't be picky when it comes to a job, but I just don't want to settle for something...I've settled for 7 years already and know I can do better. I could volunteer, or find a random job somewhere...but there's the problem of having a car (I don't want to depend on my family and inconvenience them).

This brings me to what I was thinking about while at work half an hour ago: Why not just go to camp (or at least try)? It's serving others, I don't necessarily need a car (but it would be nice), I could request having the time for Sonshine off, and I don't need to worry about moving into the house until september. There is still the issue of seeing/talking to Dean, talking to the rest of my friends (I'm sorry if I'm not around much this summer), having enough money, and all the other details. Apparently it's been on my mind or heart or whatever, because I've had more then a few dreams about it lately. Plus the thought was an instant mood lifter. I don't even know if all the spots are filled...

If you have thoughts feel free to share them.

May. 1st, 2008

coloful

I'm back to myself : )

I feel as if I've been checked out of myself for the last month or two. You know, withdrawn from my feelings and thoughts in order to survive what's going on around me. I think that I'm back now...probably because less is being asked of me and my time so that I have more time to contemplate about life in general. Whoot!! I celebrate the return of my deep thoughts!

What I've been thinking about most lately is my future and the future in general: I think I've officially given up the pursuit of being considered intellectual and successful and I couldn't be enjoying it more. I was caving under the pressure to know what exactly I'm doing, how to get there, and pursuing affuency in anything. Right now I'm content with being and seeing what happens and comes my way. Mostly this means that I'm not going to go straight to grad school and am not sure if I'll ever be that counselor I dreamed to be for the last four years (I might go to grad school after a time where I experience life outside of school). I don't know how I'll pay off my debt, where I'll live, how I'll help people, what I'll do with my time, who I'll be with/around, and a bunch of other stuff. I'm all up in the air about EVERYTHING and it doesn't really bother me. I think this is mostly because God is showing me that he is in control no matter what I decide, and I'm deciding to let him guide me.

I didn't want to go home this summer but I am...I also want a job that's closer to my goal in life: to make an impact in the world and make it better, to love people, to help them. I have passion again! Oh, how I missed the passion and feeling...I've been numb, which is quite debilitating. That's partially why I'm sick of school, because the demands made on my thoughts and time make m numb, single-minded, and depressed.

That's basically it for now. I'm waiting to see what happens and am trying to not plan anything on my own (because my plans usually get changed by God anyway). I'll probably spaz out about some of the stuff again later, but at least I'm okay now...except for the nagging thoughts at the back of my mind telling me that I should be planning and worrying...but I'm ignoring that for the most part right now. It's not like I'm in a position to take a major action anyway.

By the way...this post might be stimulated by the coffee I had two hours ago, bu tI've been having the thoughts none the less...

Apr. 1st, 2008

coloful

random

Whoot, my mid-semester slump is ending! I think that since it's my 4th year in college, I start to resent the fact that I'm still here in the middle of the semester, slack off, and get crabby and stressed. I feel better but sleepy this week, and even feel like I'm accomplishing something again, not to mention enjoying learning. My psych classes are starting to intersect with real, everyday life too, which is flipping sweet and makes me love the subject more. I see examples from what I'm learning in my friends, on tv or the internet, and in myself.

Things that I should do is to have someone semi-professional take a look at my resume for suggestions (I just finished it), talk to others about possible careers, to see if I'm being dumb about not wanting to go to grad school, and my last year here. I also should do my homework, which I still don't really want to do (either because it seems pointless for what I want to do/have a passion for or because it's tedious).

I've also been annoyed at my body lately...my knees are being stupid and hurting (both of them this time, with the one from before hurting worse than the other), which means that I should try doing my physical therapy exercises again or go back to the doctor. I've had a headache ranging from slight to pounding for the last week, and I feel like I have a cold but it's allergies (I think). Also my shoulder was having random sharp pains yesterday along with the knees hurting.

I have no clue what I'm doing for work this summer. I will probably just go home and do whatever, and find a decently paying job that comes along in the area or something...I'm beginning to not care as much since I have no clue what I'm doing anymore. I would love to go back to camp, but I just can't commit to the whole summer because of a family reunion, needing money to pay for my part of a house, Sonshine festival, and because it would be hard to not see or talk to Dean much for another summer.

And just for kicks and giggles, I'll tell whoever reads this that I've recently had a new experience: alcohol. Before anyone freaks out, it was one drink (which made me shudder half the time), and it was because I was celebrating Dean's 21st b-day with him (and because I was a little curious). Nothing happened though...I was very slightly dizzy for like 10-15 minutes is all...I'm still quite against the abuse of alcohol and apprehensive about it, after all.

Mar. 20th, 2008

coloful

my two cents on tolerance

I just read an article in my forum about how Christians should go against the current idea of tolerance, because the idea that any view is equally true is contradictory. I thought that the argument made sense and decided to look up tolerance in my Bible to see what it says. Basically it said that God doesn't tolerate wickedness, believers are being praised for not tolerating wickedness, and that God is kind, tolerant, and patient so that people can be saved (and that we must not judge others and go against this is right above it).

So my question is what exactly is tolerance? Is it looking the other way when someone is doing something you believe is wrong? Is it letting a person choose their own lifestyle despite the consequences? Is it giving up what you believe in order to keep peace? Is it accepting that all views are equally valid? Is it respecting that not everyone has the same exact beliefs as you? Is it trying to not offend anyone by any means possible? Does that mean that you have to keep quiet about your views, in case it might offend? Does it mean that you have to say that everyone is right?

I think that tolerance is respecting that people have different views, but also respectfully disagree when the views don't match up with yours. Nobody can (or should try to) force anyone to believe anything, but can only provide information and let the other person decide for themselves. If a behavior and/or belief is self destructive, I think it's an obligation to let that person know why you think that (calmly and respectfully...and LOVINGLY), but know that you can't change the person. We need to realize that yes, there are differing views despite there having to be one thing that's true (an absolute truth...come on, EVERYTHING can't be true), but that we need to show respect, and love toward EVERYONE. and if anyone reads this who doesn't know me, this is coming from a Christian's perspective based off of what I've read in the the Bible and seen in the world today.


On a different note and as an update, I'm bored on spring break, but things will pick up starting tomorrow.

Mar. 5th, 2008

coloful

update

I've been good lately. I just got back from a trip to Colorado on monday. I went with my family asa somewhat spontaneous vacation to see my Uncle troy, his girlfriend, and my cousins. I went snowmobiling 2 days in a row, and saw mountains for the first time. they were really pretty, and I got nice and banged up from the snowmobile (I fell off going 20 mph, I rolled once, got stuck several times, learned how to get up step hills, and I went down a steep ridge too fast).

I think I might be getting sick...I have tongue sore like the ones I got in December and feel unusual.

Today is Dean and my 2nd anniversary...WHOOT!

I'm getting tired of French homework and studying.

I still don't know what I'm doing this summer

That is all for now.

Feb. 17th, 2008

coloful

random going-ons and an optional video

Here's the basic rundown of all things recent in my life: I'm enjoying my lighter semester and social life; my parents sold my car and are giving me the majority of the $...so I can now pay my bills and have something in savings; I'm learning how to dance and will be going to a formal ball in the spring; I like french, but I hate grammar; I'm excited to live in a duplex with friends, and next door to more friends and Dean next year; I still don't know that to do after college and don't care much right now; I'm not totally sure what I'm doing this summer; I get to play with rats in my principles of learning class. I think that about covers it.

video testimony of a former porn star...don't worry, I found it on a conservative Christian forum and have watched it myself Collapse )

Feb. 12th, 2008

coloful

(no subject)

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/23129555/?GT1=10856

Wow...that's all I gotta say. Although it was kinda humorous.

Feb. 3rd, 2008

coloful

It's story time : )

Things are going well for me. My only concerns are homework and money, but both are resolvable.

I recently got emailed this story...it seems a little cliche, but I like it and it made me focus on Jesus which I need to do more often...Read more...Collapse )

Jan. 29th, 2008

coloful

I think I love psychology...

So I seem to be enthralled with my theories of counseling class and interested in my other psych classes (physiological/biological psych and principles of learning). I find my theories class thought provoking, useful, and mildly entertaining...not to mention that I wanted to cry in class today when we were discussing suicidal thoughts according to Freud's theories and Dr. Crother's experiences with it. She's a neat lady, I really should talk to her more than I do...since she's my advisor and all. Too bad I'm not reading my book for that class right now...I'm too busy doing the homework from other classes.

I went to my first political rally ever on sunday...granted it was mostly in support of my radio-hosting boyfriend : ).

I've been putting a little more effort into connecting with God the last two days, and it seems to be working...I got lazy last week.

the weather here in Eau Claire today was blizzard-like conditions..that added with the freezing rain on the roads from yesterday made it not a normal day. Regardless of the weather, I still went to all my classes. Even to the one across the large, windy foot-bridge with icy wind and snow blowing in my face. I almost wonder if UWEC is trying to test the physical limits of its students, what with the giant hill plus the foot-bridge in the winter : )

I think that's all. For now, at least.

Jan. 23rd, 2008

coloful

money is stupid and ultimately pointless

I decided that I don't like money and the responsibility it brings. Today, I went to cancel a random loan the school tried to give me as well as give them a check for what I thought was left, only to find out that there was a fee on the big loan that I need. I only have that amount I thought I needed, but should have the other part by the 15th one way or another...or take out that stupid loan and have $600 extra (until I get billed)plus I have my regular bills coming up. I am so glad I have a job.

Speaking of jobs, it looks like I'm scheduled for tutoring 4 hrs a week, and depending on when I'm needed. I also decided to take advantage of the service learning opportunity instead of getting paid, since I have to do at least 30 hrs of community service stuff before I graduate. So yeah, I work at my other job 8 hours a week.

Classes are going decently, I know I will survive this semester at least. I get to play with rats in one class (principles of learning), learn about psychotherapy/counseling and such, discuss religious points of view that have the potential of shaking my faith (but won't truly threaten it), and some other classes. **whine** I don't want to go to bed at a reasonable hour, get up by 8 am, and do homework : )! Looks like I'm living at 909 with 5 friends next year, so I better get a good summer job and start saving.

Sorry if I was at all negative or whiny in here, I just wanted to rant about how annoying money is as well at starting classes after a month. I'm doing fine, if not great and know that I'm going to get through this semester, next year, and the rest of life. I am excited that I can take interesting psych classes, though instead of prerequisites.

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