more venting, and an update
Another vent: My job situation. Maybe I was being cocky in thinking I could get a job within a few weeks here, because it obviously hasn't happened. Sure, I tutor, but working 3 hours a week teaching something you have minimal interest in isn't much of a job. Certainly not enough to live off of. That's not to say God hasn't or won't provide for me. He enabled me to save enough over the summer to live until about December, and has provided some through friends (also delivering a blow my pride). I'm even considering applying for food stamps. If I don't get a job, I won't be able to afford next semester without taking a fourth loan. I could blame the economy making employers pickier and looking closely at their costs (which is why I have to wait till the end of Nov. to hear one response), or blame myself for not always calling the employers or effectively selling myself (so to speak). I also blame myself for being picky in wanting to do something relatively worthwhile, and was disappointed in myself when I shot down an opportunity because I wanted insurance (it was a year long commitment with little pay, and part time). It's frustrating because I have to depend on others (and feel like a dirtbag for it), I'm filled with insecurity and doubts about my worth, and can't afford to do the basics of what I want to do (like eat healthy). Also, I don't want Dean to have to work his butt off, sell all his expensive stuff, and be in school longer just to make enough $ to marry me. I feel like I should be contributing, but can't. I'm also afraid I won't be able to find work and be insured after graduation, so I won't be able to pay bills and loans or go to the doctor or dentist. I feel like a failure in this aspect.
Sure, I know I should just trust God, and I'm trying. It's just that I'm used to things happening faster than this. I trusted him to find me a job for the summer and I had to wait 3 weeks only to get a job I felt I was under-qualified for...it was amazing. When I first came here in 2007, it took just a month and a half to get a job (I settled on that one, and only got hired for my previous library work)...well come to think of it, it was about 2 months which is just under where I am now. I don't know what it is, but I feel so easily discouraged and frustrated since I came back. I don't talk to God much when I'm here and I don't know exactly why that is...I know he's my lifeline. I feel like not much matters to me right now (especially what I do), with the exception for the people in my life. And then there's the ever present question of all college seniors: What am I going to do when I graduate? I know I'll get married, but that can't be all there is...I know my life will have more meaning than simply being married or being in the shadow of others.
There are many other negative things I could list that are going on around me, but I was mostly just venting what's been bugging me most at the moment. Also, I don't want to focus on all the negatives but look for the positives. Maybe I'm doing a little spiritually better at the moment than I thought...
That about covers it.