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June 2009

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unshed tears and happy cheers

apparently I'm more disturbed by this than I thought, since it floated through my head all night. Someone said goodbye to me right before they tried to kill themself (I know this isn't grammatically correct, but I'm not naming genders here). I was the one to open the door and see it, and I called for more help because I couldn't stop it myself. I could elaborate on things surrounding this, but won't. I do wonder, though if there was more I could have done...

Yesterday at work was chaos...one thing after another and overlapping. I was not all there in the morning and made some mistakes that turned into bigger things (like kids not getting their meds and things getting broken). I've been not-all-here the last few days and don't understand it, nor do I like it. A good thing at work is that one of the kids' moms tries to witness to her son when they talk...it's cool to hear. Sometimes I get a general sense of helplessness when it comes to work...I see kids with messed up lives an thought patterns and want to point them to God, but would probably get in trouble for it. Plus I can't do anything to help them...just talk and make sure they're physically well. I can always pray for them though :-).

My dad's tumor is doubled in size and he has to have surgery or radiation. the radiation might not work and make things harder, but both have risks. Either way he'll miss work and have physical side affects (some permanent). My mom is obviously worried, which is strange for me to see...she usually doesn't show emotion.

I'm excited that Dean's coming this weekend. I miss him, and we're going to talk about marriage stuff. I'm saddened that I shouldn't and probably won't go to Virginia to visit Becca, simply because I need to save my money. I move to Eau Claire in about two weeks (I'm excited for that), don't have a job lined up yet, and will immediately have bills to pay. I'm counting down the days, but still trying to be living in the present here. I'm still wondering why I've been out-of-it and somewhat sad the last few days...