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coloful

June 2009

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coloful

I'm in a weird place right now, I think. I can do anything and at the same time I can't. I want to enjoy today (and everyday) but today seems empty and meaningless. In response to that, I want to look to my future, but I feel that it's uncertain and will have the same feeling as now. For the last few months I've been trying to figure out what really matters to me, and besides people I've not found much. I guess at this time it all seems pointless in the grand scheme of things.
I'm probably just missing something that I had before...some type of feeling or drive...but am denying what makes me feel driven or whatever. Maybe I'm scared that things (in general) will change or that I'll fail whatever I do. Maybe it's that I'm finally grown up and see the vast world in front of me and it scares the crap out of me that I don't have a plan or known purpose past next may.
I should get close to God again, but I think I'll need to force myself at first...why do I let this keep happening? Where do I belong? Is it even being in/doing just one place/thing, or is it many places/things since I've never really wanted to settle anyway? What am I here for? I feel as of I'm doing no good and my isolation just makes me turn further inward. I don't want to focus on me. I want to focus on others and figure myself out on the way, but I still like the isolation because there's no risk.

This is just a stream of thought and emotion about how confused and lost I feel, which isn't even all that bad...just another form of waiting for something to happen, and who knows what that is? I sure don't. And so I continue alone trying to keep stable and to find something out of this. Whether it's for me or those around me, I don't know. Maybe it's a specific thing, or is all just nothing. Whatever, I'll distract myself and find stuff to do instead...that's what I usually do anyway.

Comments

first off i agree that you can do all things, but only through Christ who strengthens you. careing for people can play a big part in life but i think instead of the question being what you want to do it is more of what God wants you to do. the more diligently you seek God and his rightousness i truly believe you will find your answers. i have a problem with impatience when it comes time to waiting for answers or instructions from God, but yet when i do i see growth.
Gal 6:9 And let us not be weary in well doing for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not. isolation can only bring distruction and discouragement. so be incouraged that God is in control and He really does know what he is doing.