?

Log in

Previous 10

Jun. 26th, 2009

coloful

longest time between posts for me ever

I know this will forward and post to facebook, so those of you who have talked to me recently can disregard the note since this is mostly to update my live-journal and generally chronicle my life.

I'm MARRIED (and have been for almost 4 weeks). Life was stressful up to that point with the demands of school (which were higher than I thought they'd be), family drama, wedding planning, job searching for after graduation, life in general, and fighting with Dean. It felt like my life was in fast forward in late April-mid May...maybe even through the first week of June since everything was planned up to that point. The fighting decreased once I put my head back on and focused less on school and task oriented things, and back to God and what is more important in life: relationships and general quality...it also helped when we decided to trust God for summer jobs/money. Well, it paid off...we were blessed big time. He got two jobs, I got my break (although I balked at it at first), we had enough money to set up our house (nicer than we though it would be), and now I was accepted for a position that I know I'll enjoy and get experience in. We can even have our pets, although we need to get rid of the dog...he's too big, too much responsibility, and it's won't be fair to him in a few months when we won't be home much and he can't run around in a yard (because we don't have one). ***Anyone want a dog?*** Otherwise we'll have to take him to the humane society and I don't want this good dog to be sitting in a cage.

With all these good things, we can't say there are no problems, that wouldn't be realistic. Neither of us will have health insurance come July 1 (I haven't had it since May, but could still go to student health services until then). We have both had some minor issues, and insurance would be nice to have. We might buy some until I start my job, and I don't know if it will cover him...but we have a few options open still. Another thing is organizing transportation, since we only have one car. We could get a free one from my parents but any of them will take work and money, so we're still in discussion about that. Other things are general married stuff like getting used to having someone there all the time, occasional grumpiness on both parts, and finding ways to work together in everything.

Jan. 6th, 2009

coloful

Hello from the hospital

I can't get on facebook because this place's internet doesn't allow social networking sites. So far the surgery is going fine according to the hourly updates. My mom just told me that the CT scan from this morning showed it was in a worse place than they thought, so they're going to put fluid in there to make more space. I'm a little nervous because of all the possibilities, but trust everything will be okay if not fantastic. If you want to write a message or get updates, visit http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/deanstrickland .

As for everything else, I have a list of to-dos for the rest of my break and can hardly believe there's only about 2 weeks left. I have to brush up on my note reading, do some wedding planning, do some crafty stuff, watch out for my dad, do some work with others, get involved as a youth leader, do pre-marriage counseling (which I thoroughly enjoy and find effective), get my service learning settled, sign up for my 4th loan, research careers, hanging out with friends (specifically Courtney), and more that I don't feel like thinking up right now.

Dec. 26th, 2008

coloful

Merry Christmas, and all around the season

I have to say that the last week or two weeks of my life have been good. This is a great change of pace: nothing serious to complain about past being broke for the moment, and having nothing to stress out about besides the future. I enjoyed hanging out with my family, I actually had more fun than I remember having (with the extended part). I also had fun hanging out with Dean and his family, and was happy we were able to alternate places together. If you care about what gifts I got, I could tell you, but I got enough so that I felt a little uncomfortable. That, which passed, and a few comments about the choice of date for my wedding (and what was implied) were the most stressful parts. I think I may ask to exchange one or two of the gifts (which is part what made me feel uncomfortable), and I'll end up having a chat about the whole wedding thing later.

I'm glad the semester is over, and I don't have a bunch of annoying papers to write, and quizzes for every class period (in on of the classes). I have a list of things I need to do academically before next semester and before graduating, though. I don't plan on walking...it'll just cost money and a little bit of a hassle. Next semester will be busy with violin lessons, busy-work from a 100 level class, random papers, two 400 level classes, as well as 2 little jobs on campus and a possible third off (I still need to re-vamp my resume and apply). I was stressing out about finances a little, but was reassured that even if I have to take out one more small loan, I can depend on God to allow me to afford to live and repay it (and pay other bills) at the same time.

My dad's having his surgery on the 6th, and I'm glad my family has such good coping skills. Most would be freaking out, but we're joking about him asking the surgeon for an upgrade while he's in there. We also have an awesome support system going on in the way of friends, family, and church members. I still plan on helping out afterward though, and pray that there won't be complications. Apparently I can have a little bit of a job while I'm here for the month too in babysitting Dean's grandma and doing a little housework. It depends on how the surgery goes too, though. I'm actually getting tired of waiting for future events to happen and trying to plan around them. I just want to plan them quick, do them, and be done if its something that gets done (that goes for job searching, and my wedding too).

I should probably get some sleep now, but will most likely play peggle...

Nov. 7th, 2008

coloful

more venting, and an update

AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!! This is honestly my most frustrating semester to register for after 9 semesters of classes! First of all, there's only one class at one time I'm able to take to finish my minor...what happened to the other two I was debating between? Who knows?! And of course, it's in the middle of the day on Tuesdays and Thursdays, which conflicts with at least three other classes I have an interest in. And then there's my psychology capstone...I was going to take it with a professor I've never had before just to avoid the professor I had in my worst class ever ( I mean, come on...the class made me cry more than once, and I'm not much of a crier, plus I had no clue what was going on half the time despite my efforts). But that other professor wasn't even an option come time to register (and I didn't know because I couldn't see for sure before my "scheduled time"). I could have taken it with a prof I know I like if I didn't have to take that Rels class at that time. That's about it for classes besides having to ask permission to take anything else interesting.

Another vent: My job situation. Maybe I was being cocky in thinking I could get a job within a few weeks here, because it obviously hasn't happened. Sure, I tutor, but working 3 hours a week teaching something you have minimal interest in isn't much of a job. Certainly not enough to live off of. That's not to say God hasn't or won't provide for me. He enabled me to save enough over the summer to live until about December, and has provided some through friends (also delivering a blow my pride). I'm even considering applying for food stamps. If I don't get a job, I won't be able to afford next semester without taking a fourth loan. I could blame the economy making employers pickier and looking closely at their costs (which is why I have to wait till the end of Nov. to hear one response), or blame myself for not always calling the employers or effectively selling myself (so to speak). I also blame myself for being picky in wanting to do something relatively worthwhile, and was disappointed in myself when I shot down an opportunity because I wanted insurance (it was a year long commitment with little pay, and part time). It's frustrating because I have to depend on others (and feel like a dirtbag for it), I'm filled with insecurity and doubts about my worth, and can't afford to do the basics of what I want to do (like eat healthy). Also, I don't want Dean to have to work his butt off, sell all his expensive stuff, and be in school longer just to make enough $ to marry me. I feel like I should be contributing, but can't. I'm also afraid I won't be able to find work and be insured after graduation, so I won't be able to pay bills and loans or go to the doctor or dentist. I feel like a failure in this aspect.

Sure, I know I should just trust God, and I'm trying. It's just that I'm used to things happening faster than this. I trusted him to find me a job for the summer and I had to wait 3 weeks only to get a job I felt I was under-qualified for...it was amazing. When I first came here in 2007, it took just a month and a half to get a job (I settled on that one, and only got hired for my previous library work)...well come to think of it, it was about 2 months which is just under where I am now. I don't know what it is, but I feel so easily discouraged and frustrated since I came back. I don't talk to God much when I'm here and I don't know exactly why that is...I know he's my lifeline. I feel like not much matters to me right now (especially what I do), with the exception for the people in my life. And then there's the ever present question of all college seniors: What am I going to do when I graduate? I know I'll get married, but that can't be all there is...I know my life will have more meaning than simply being married or being in the shadow of others.

There are many other negative things I could list that are going on around me, but I was mostly just venting what's been bugging me most at the moment. Also, I don't want to focus on all the negatives but look for the positives. Maybe I'm doing a little spiritually better at the moment than I thought...

That about covers it.

Sep. 19th, 2008

coloful

Don't mind my whining, I need to vent

I'm FRUSTRATED! Apparently more than I realized since I currently have insomnia and am crying. Great...right before a test too. I'm tired of being in pain. I sprained my ankle two and a half weeks ago, and had to walk weird to avoid pain. I got sick a week later, where I had to miss school. I had a fever and a cough. The cough is gone now, but I've had a sore throat for about 9 days...always moving, now in my mouth. I think my wisdom tooth is coming in and hurting me...and of course I don't know where my insurance covers to get them removed because my Mom still hasn't answered the question the Dentist brought up. I'll probably have to step around her and call the office in MN and then insurance people. But my throat still hurts, and I feel ok other than that. (besides the fact that I've take ibu n half of the nights of the week and a half, just so I can sleep through the night). Perhaps it's time to visit a doc (for the 3rd time in 3 weeks), but I'm pretty sure they're going to give me a strep test then send me home with the direction to gargle with saline and take ibuprophen...15 bucks down the drain. I'm frustrated because I keep missing school. I missed my first class of the semester for a doc appt, and missed it again and another from being sick the next week. I'll have to miss more if I have something wrong with me and/ or have to get my wisdom teeth removed...after all, there are rarely any breaks for a college student.

I'm frustrated because I don't have a job, and I feel like I have to settle hard core to get anything. It doesn't help that I haven't been able to get out much because of my health...so I might have to ask Dean for financial help. I keep getting bills (which I anticipated) but I also hoped for a job by now and no medical bills/issues.

I'm frustrated be cause I have an abstract goal to get closer to God again, but am having trouble spending quality time with him. It seems that I'm refreshed at Christian gatherings but nothing happens in my personal time (not that I have much by myself, or that I dedicate it to prayer and such)

This was supposed to be an easy year where I found a more stable job and finished my degree. Now the most stable thing in my life is the fact that I'm getting married in the spring and that I have regular bills coming to me. All else and everyone else is always different. I'm also posting this to get over my desire of pity...I've been complaining to a few around me wanting a little sympathy, just to be shot down as if to say "get over it Krystal, we have things going on too"...true that's not what they were really saying, but it's what I feel I need to hear none the less. In short "get over yourself", which I gladly would if I weren't in some form of pain for the last 3 weeks.

Aug. 8th, 2008

coloful

unshed tears and happy cheers

apparently I'm more disturbed by this than I thought, since it floated through my head all night. Someone said goodbye to me right before they tried to kill themself (I know this isn't grammatically correct, but I'm not naming genders here). I was the one to open the door and see it, and I called for more help because I couldn't stop it myself. I could elaborate on things surrounding this, but won't. I do wonder, though if there was more I could have done...

Yesterday at work was chaos...one thing after another and overlapping. I was not all there in the morning and made some mistakes that turned into bigger things (like kids not getting their meds and things getting broken). I've been not-all-here the last few days and don't understand it, nor do I like it. A good thing at work is that one of the kids' moms tries to witness to her son when they talk...it's cool to hear. Sometimes I get a general sense of helplessness when it comes to work...I see kids with messed up lives an thought patterns and want to point them to God, but would probably get in trouble for it. Plus I can't do anything to help them...just talk and make sure they're physically well. I can always pray for them though :-).

My dad's tumor is doubled in size and he has to have surgery or radiation. the radiation might not work and make things harder, but both have risks. Either way he'll miss work and have physical side affects (some permanent). My mom is obviously worried, which is strange for me to see...she usually doesn't show emotion.

I'm excited that Dean's coming this weekend. I miss him, and we're going to talk about marriage stuff. I'm saddened that I shouldn't and probably won't go to Virginia to visit Becca, simply because I need to save my money. I move to Eau Claire in about two weeks (I'm excited for that), don't have a job lined up yet, and will immediately have bills to pay. I'm counting down the days, but still trying to be living in the present here. I'm still wondering why I've been out-of-it and somewhat sad the last few days...

Jul. 21st, 2008

coloful

The tale

I decided to write the engagement story here so that I don't have to tell it a million times and can point people here at times...

Dean told me before that I would have to wait for him because he wasn't ready to make the commitment, so I wasn't expecting it for the most part. He also told me that we was going to go straight from Eau Claire to the Sonshine music festival we were going to the day it started. I was talking to my parents upstairs and heard my dogs bark like someone was there, but assumed they were just being dogs and my dad went outside while I went to my room to continue packing for the festival. I heard a tap on my window and thought it was my Dad, but it was Dean...I was obviously surprised (and flabbergasted). My dad was at the top of the stairs, and acted like he didn't see anything, and then Dean asked if I wanted to go for a walk. I was barefooted and practically in my pajamas (shorts and a tank top), but went right then anyway. He asked if I wanted to go to any special place I wanted to take a guy...I had one by the river in town, but said that where we were was fine. I thought that his question was peculiar, and was curious but went along with it because he's a romantic and I assumed he just was being romantic. We walked on the paved road talking and stopped by an open field that had a pond, and a pretty view of the almost full moon and stars. we talked for awhile, then he got into a speech about commitment and how he has to jump into things. Then he said "so here I am jumping in to it" as he went down to one knee and went for his pocket. He asked and I did what every guy dreads and hesitated to think (while mentally freaking out...in a good way). After mumbling that I was terrified I said "Okay. I guess so". He got up then we hugged and admitted that we both felt a little lost and clueless so we prayed. We started walking back and were talking more, and he asked for a more formal answer (the actual "yes, I'll marry you") on the way, which I gave. We came back, I texted Becca, we changed our facebook statues (because it isn't official until you change facebook, of course), and talked to my parents, siblings, and a friend who IMed me.

So there you go... the story. : )

Jun. 27th, 2008

coloful

update as of the end of June

I've gotten a summer job...the type of job that I dreamed of a few weeks before. It's been hard learning something so new that deals directly with others...it requires me to think fast, get my facts down, challenge my perfectionism, and learn to turn to God when I'm scared or nervous. This job definitely gets me nervous...probably because of it's constant unpredictability as well as the large amounts on information I need to pick up very quickly to be successful. I'm still not sure I want to do this my whole life...I like variety and there are other reasons. Anyway, tonight was my roughest night yet and was also my shortest shift thus far...ironic considering yesterday was a 14 hour day and went very well. I'll have to see how working overnight goes...

I still don't know my purpose for the summer. My life seems to be revolved around my job for the, and I don't quite like it that way. I was hoping to get involved with my church more and hang out with friends. The problem with that is I work random hours and have to do it around my work schedule (which can be as much time as 14 hours or more in a day depending on how he day went)...plus I don't usually have a car to go places. It'll be nice when I go back to being a college student...I'll have time to myself, to spend with friends, and to serve, plus I'd have a more sturdy schedule. I suppose my job won't give me much time to miss people or miss talking to them (specifically Courtney who's at camp, Dean who's going back to WI and will probably be busy, in depth conversations with Becca, and others).

Jun. 6th, 2008

coloful

contemplation

It's weird going to your little sibling's graduation. I say that only because it reminded me of my own. I was a different person then...insecure, trying to get approval from others, and other things. It's also weird to think that there are people who were my friends that I saw everyday at school (or less depending on when I met them) that I haven't talked to or seen in 4 years. Then there's thinking back on the many paths I could have taken, who I would have ended up as, and who I'd have hung out with. From there I think of where I'll be in another 4 years or beyond, what I'll be doing, who I'll be, and who I'll hang out with. It's interesting to think of.

May. 24th, 2008

coloful

(no subject)

I'm in a weird place right now, I think. I can do anything and at the same time I can't. I want to enjoy today (and everyday) but today seems empty and meaningless. In response to that, I want to look to my future, but I feel that it's uncertain and will have the same feeling as now. For the last few months I've been trying to figure out what really matters to me, and besides people I've not found much. I guess at this time it all seems pointless in the grand scheme of things.
I'm probably just missing something that I had before...some type of feeling or drive...but am denying what makes me feel driven or whatever. Maybe I'm scared that things (in general) will change or that I'll fail whatever I do. Maybe it's that I'm finally grown up and see the vast world in front of me and it scares the crap out of me that I don't have a plan or known purpose past next may.
I should get close to God again, but I think I'll need to force myself at first...why do I let this keep happening? Where do I belong? Is it even being in/doing just one place/thing, or is it many places/things since I've never really wanted to settle anyway? What am I here for? I feel as of I'm doing no good and my isolation just makes me turn further inward. I don't want to focus on me. I want to focus on others and figure myself out on the way, but I still like the isolation because there's no risk.

This is just a stream of thought and emotion about how confused and lost I feel, which isn't even all that bad...just another form of waiting for something to happen, and who knows what that is? I sure don't. And so I continue alone trying to keep stable and to find something out of this. Whether it's for me or those around me, I don't know. Maybe it's a specific thing, or is all just nothing. Whatever, I'll distract myself and find stuff to do instead...that's what I usually do anyway.

Previous 10